Hard Day for Irey. More Mommy Experience for Me

Irelyn finally had her appointment to check on her CCAM this past Monday. I was so nervous because they had to sedate her before her scan and it just seems like she is too little, I am the mom and i have never been sedated. They had to put a IV in her hand, this went so much smoother then the last time they tried. When she was a day old they gave her a IV before her CT scan and it took them 5 tries.














Before she went in for her scan she was sleeping peacefully but when she came out it was another story. She was having a allergic reaction to the sedation. It was making her thrash around and she kept gripping for whatever her hands could reach, she was gripping at me so frantically I came home with scratches all over my chest and arm. She couldn't cry for a few minuets and when she could it was like hearing someone howl in pain, not like a baby's cry. It was like someone was torturing my baby and there was nothing I could do to help my helpless baby, I just had to sit and wait for the medicine to wear off. I just had to hold my screaming daughter in the emergency room overflow for almost two hours waiting for her to cry herself into exhaustion. By this time is was 2:00pm and the last time she had eaten was at 7:00 am. She had no control of her little body and she was so hungry but she couldn't even suck to eat because the sedation had numbed that reflex.
Because of all her thrashing it made getting a visible scan impossible. They were telling me we would have to come back tomorrow and try the scan again. This mommy was not about to do this again. I made them try the scan one more time once she had screamed herself into oblivion.

And what do you know? It worked. The next day our pediatrician called us and informed me that her CCAM had grown and she would have to have surgery.

Can I take a mom moment here? What? MY baby, who is perfect in every physical way, has to have surgery? They had been preparing us for months for this possibility but when what is possible becomes actual it paints a whole different kind of feeling.
I spent all day yesterday just sitting around and playing with Irelyn. She rolled over for the first time, she was scooting herself across the floor with her strong little legs. She was making me laugh so hard with her sweet goofy smile. And all day i could not wrap my mind around the idea that THIS baby has ANYTHING wrong with her. I know that surgery is not the end of the world, but it feels like the end of mine.
After the being at the hospital Monday I went home and had a good cry. It was physical, emotional, and mental pain to watch her in that situation. I was fighting the urge to break down and cry with her at the hospital, but I didn't want to upset her more so I kept talking to her and kissing her. But what I wanted to do was kiss the pain away. What is it about being a mom that makes you feel so strong, like you could lift a car to save your child, and at the same time so weak when you can do nothing to help them. The moment you carry that baby they are apart of you forever. It's a bond that is as physical as it is spiritual and emotional.
I know this is not the worst thing that could happen to our family, we have been through worse. I am grateful that this is our only concern right now. That although surgery for Irey is hard to swallow, I am grateful that we have the options for surgery. I am grateful that we have Primary Children's with amazing doctors that will make Irey 100% again. I am grateful that I get to rock my baby to sleep every night and I know that she will be OK. This is just another test, another trial. But what I am mostly grateful for is that because of this amazing love I have for Irelyn I understand a little better the endless love my Heavenly Father has for me. I know that he too wants to kiss away the pain. Whenever I feel like things are really bad, I think of Jamie and the scripture she always quotes, "And this too shall pass".