OH, the Bumps in Life's Road...

These past few weeks have been challenging.

I have been sick, the kind of sick that leaves you with no energy and a really achy body. I would wake up in the morning still exhausted, I was so tired I felt like my body was lead. My body would hurt so much, every part of me, and medicine would do so little. In the beginning blood test showed I was Vitamin D deficient. So I have been taking 10,000 IU a day with no improvement. Another few weeks went by and I started to feel worse. I started to convinced myself it's all in my head. My Doctor would call me and I was hesitant to call back because I didn't know what to say... I felt like I really was going crazy, all my blood looked fine other then the vitamin D and they said it would take a while to build up again but I feel like I am dying, I seriously felt like I must be exaggerating it in my mind. But all I seem to be able to do is lay around and I just cant get going, it's so unlike me. I must be loosing my mind or just being lazy, or maybe its just been the really bad weather that's got me feeling sluggish...
After a few more weeks of this, my Doctor called to check in again, we had been playing phone tag and once we finally got a hold of each other I told him how I was seeing no improvement and was starting to feel worse. He told me to come get more blood work asap. I gave 4 tube thing-a-ma-jigs of blood and they ran all kinds of test.  I was almost sure they wouldn't find anything and then I would feel stupid that I have been acting like such a baby. But 6 days later the lab came back and I was positive for Epstein-Barr Virus.

I cried... For a lot of reasons

I was relived that I am not crazy and it's not in my head but I also knew that this virus is more then I feel like I can handle right now...

My mom had Epstein-Barr Virus (EBV) right after my sister was born. Hearing for all these years what she went through, I knew what I was in for... Months of being sick, like I have the flu 24/7, and there is nothing they could do and no way to tell when it will go away or if/when it will come back.
These last few months my body has been through a lot and I am just so warn down so right now I can't imagine months more.
Epstein-Barr Virus is one of the most common viruses. By the time you are 45 you have a 95% chance of testing positive for it. BUT very few ever experience the virus in it's "active phase". The active phase in what I am feeling now. It's a virus that can be brought on by something like having a baby. It can come back at any time and it can last for any number of months. My mom had it for a 18 months but sadly for her, it took them a  year to diagnose. I remember her saying she would get so depressed because she felt like she was dying and no one had any answers for her. I feel very blessed to have a Doctor that cares and is doing everything he can for me.
Right now, overwhelmed is the best word to use for how I feel. My body is really run down and it feel like I have everything attacking me at once. I have this nasty cold that feels like strep, I have a ulcer on my uvula making eating or drinking impossible, so for days now I hard hardly eaten anything other then pudding and ice cream. I have this big, ugly, painful cold sore on my lip and I am pretty sure I have a cavity because my tooth is aching so bad. Besides the tooth, my doctor said all this is normal because my immune system isn't working at it's best... sore throats and colds are kinda part of the virus.
I will be getting weekly shots of Vitamin B12 and I am still taking a lot of Vitamin D because I am still deficient. I am going to have to try and slow down and cut back, which feels like a death sentence because I am not a slow down person. I am trying to cut out what I can so I can lay down more so I can try to keep up with whats really important. I am trying to use my limited energy towards my biggest priorities like, taking care of my girls or keeping up with my clients. I stress about not being able to work, because I have busted my butt to build my clientele, I love my job, and it would depress me to lose what I have worked for and enjoy doing.
I stress for my girls and every time I think about it I cry. I feel like I have been to worst mom because I feel so crappy and I seem to snap at Irey all to often. I feel guilty because I want to take her to the pool or the park or do fun summer activities but going anywhere takes so much out of me and this past week it's just been getting worse. It's more then upsetting to feel like I can't be the mom I was or want to be because I am hurting and wasted. I hate that I can't do for my girls all that I want to be able to do. I know as moms we put ourselves through needless guilt but I can't help feeling overwhelmed with guilt for turning on another Sponge Bob so I can lay down instead of being able to take her outside and play.
I pray for my poor husband. Brandon already has so much on his plate and already manages a load that is already to heavy for one man. He always seems to make it work and never complains. I always do my best to keep up with him and be a team-mate that picks up the slack and together, in this way, we make life work. But now things are more challenging and it puts more weight on him because I physically can't do what I normally do, and knowing that, it makes me all the more overwhelmed.
I, like any wife and mom, want the best for my family. It's hard to feel sick like this and know how it burdens those around you. I know that in the end we will be a better family. I know that God doesn't give us what we cannot handle. Trials are meant for us to learn and grow and bring us closer to our Heavenly Father. I just pray that I learn fast.
I know that the trials or afflictions I am going through are small and simple compared to all the people I know right now who are going through so much worse. I gladly take this above a lot of things that others are enduring.
I feel blessed. No matter what God asks me to suffer through, it's nothing compared to what he has given me. I am overwhelmed today with EBV, other sicknesses, and a to-do list a mile long that is more then I can manage, but I know that tomorrow I will be overwhelmed with blessings because I can't think of a time in my life when I have gone through something hard that I haven't been blessed with help and guidance in many different forms.
So for now I will just be glad that life comes a day at a time...