This is the sickness that never ends...

Yes, I have been absent from my little blog for much too long. Because...

A- My camera broke and I have been reviewing and looking and searching for THE camera that will satisfy all my needs. Do you love your camera? If so please share!

B- I have still been sick (remember the EBV) but now I am sicker...

BLAH!

I am SO SICK OF BEING SICK I MAY JUST PULL MY HAIR OUT. And now I can start to see why Britney Spears shaved her head, JK not THAT crazy!
The last I have talked about EBV on this blog was when I was in the begining stage of the virus. After a month or so of being sick I learned that I had good days and bad days. Even on my good days I would have bad moments, I would just feel really weak, overly tired, really dizzy, and bad body aches and would have to sit down. On bad days, I hardly get out of bed or off the couch and do my best to be a mom to two little girls. People would say to me, you dont seem sick. At first I didn't know what to say... Yes I still smile and laugh and talk and talk and talk. Even if I was on my death bed but I would still talk your ear off. But then again if I was feeling really sick I wouldn't come around. When I have a bad day I can't leave my house. Even on good-ish days I feel SO anxious about leaving my house because if I have a "bad moment" while I am out by myself with my kids.... ugh, I shutter at the thought. I try to live as normally as I can but I mostly I only go where I know my sisters or husband will be. Going out by myself makes me feel emotional and overwhelmed because I am scared I will get too sick and worry about how I will be able to take care of my girls when I am not at home where I have more control. Friends and family have been a HUGE blessing to me. I can't be more greatful for love and understanding. It's hard though because there isn't much someone can do to help. On a bad day sure, someone could take my kids, clean my house, or cook us dinner but in the end I dont know how long this is going to last so I need to learn to function with my life in it's current state. Mind over matter... some days I tell myself the only important thing today, is to take care of your girls. So we have adjusted and learned to live with this hellish ordeal best we can.
All that being said, thank goodness this isn't something like cancer or a million other things I can think of... I am SO grateful for MY trials because there is a LOT of people who are in a way worse situation and I gladly take on my burdens because they are NOTHING compared to others.

As of now... I really don't know what to think. At the beginning of August I started to feel more normal. I was working a lot and getting things done that I haven't been able to do in a while. Life was managable for the first time since I had Reese. It felt nice... And then I came crashing down. At first I thought it was just because I was more active with work and such so I slowed down. Still got worse. My symptoms became more severe and other symptoms started showing up, like... My lower back will feel all weird and then my legs will give out. My hands and arms feel so weak, sometimes I can't hold Reese and feed her a bottle or lift Irey, some days I can't even open the dang bottle because my hands would be so weak. My energy seems to be on a all time low, (my "normal" scale is off because what has been normal the last 5 months hasn't been MY normal for the last 23 years, so compared to the normal norm, its bad) I am getting these CRAZY headaches. I am dizzy every time I go from a sitting to standing position or anytime my momentum goes up. It's frustraiting and depressing and obviously overwhelming but again, I know that there are SO many people who lives are far worse then mine (and makes this post seem like a pitiful pitty party) but that doesn't mean I am not doing a daily battle to get through...
I feel guilty for not being able to be the mom/wife/house-keeper/sister/daughter/friend/Christ-like person I want to be, I HATE how this affects my family and the hardest part about ALL of it, hands down, is how hard it is for my silly-lovable-wild child-Irey or my smiley-always happy-Reese. I HATE how this adds to Brandon's already over-flowing burdens, although if you talk to him, you would never know the man carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, he is my rock. It's SO FRUSTRATING because I feel like people don't understand (and why I even care about someones understanding, I do not know).  Some days, for several days I am hanging on by a thread and then a day will come along that I feel better and it makes me want to concur the world, so I try and over-do. On those "I want to concure the world" days, I am more social and happy and people see that and then on the bad days I hide away in my house and I tell them I am sick and then I wonder if they think I am full of it or crazy because what you see and what I feel are so different... and I don't know why, but it irritates me!

I have been to my doctor (who I think the world of) and DONE any and all blood test that he could think of and had conflicting results but tested negative for everything. What that means... no clue. I think my doctor is scratching his head too because he referred me to a Internal medicine doctor, who did more tests. Currently, I don't know what is going on...I found out today that I no longer have "active EBV" but they did confirm that I did have "active EBV" not to long ago (is that why I felt some-what normal in the beginning of August?). Yes, thank your for taking all that blood to tell me I am no longer sick with what I knew I was sick with, but now I am sicker, and you have no idea why... So now they Internal Med. Doctor is going to be testing for other stuff (I am too tired to remember) and start the "process of elimination"... It's sounds so fun I can't wait (insert sarcastic tone here). So who knows, maybe I am crazy. I feel kinda crazy but that could be on of two things... Being sick is driving me crazy OR I was already crazy and am now just realizing.
haha jk... kinda :(

ALL that being said, I feel like I would only be telling the glass half-empty version if I didn't say that I have been blessed every moment along the way. Spiritually speaking this has taught me a lot. My faith has been tested, the days where I feel the sickest are most survivable when I have the most faith, yup as simple as that, all my big heavy adult problems are made light by the simple things I learned in primary.
I have felt comfort and strength to do what I didn't think I could. I know my Heavenly Father isn't going to let me fall down and not get back up.
I feel really humbled. I tend to think SO many things are really important untill a challenge like this comes my way and then I get a whole new perspective... All my crafts, to-do lists, organizing, goals, wants, wishes, weight, hair, clothes, laundry, clean floors, whatever, you name it... none of it matters unless my girls are happy. Brandon, Irey, and Reese are the most important people in my life (my sisters are a close second, so close that they are almost in the #1 category but you can only have so many #1s) When it comes down to picking and choosing what my priorities are, they win every time. Oh my girls, I can't even say how blessed I feel to be Irelyn and Reese's mom. At times I feel so challenged, over-whelmed, and inadequate to be their mom... but they are already great just on AUTO MODE and sometimes I feel like they are raising me. Scary thought, what would I do with out Brandon? Don't roll your eyes... this isn't meant to be a "my husband is better then yours" comment but seriously, he is an answered prayer. The more life I live with him and the more things I go through, I can see why I needed him so gosh darn much!
I am vocal about a LOT of things but there are things I find are hard for me to articulate... this whole sickness thing is just that.  Writing has always been my best way to put into words what I can't get my mouth to say, in the way I want to say it. Writing about being sick makes me feel liberated. Acknowleding the good that surrounds my life makes me feel like I am having less of a pity party for myself, haha.