Confessions of a "Perfect" Utah County Mom

I have been seeing some bloggers lately posting about how they hate that everyone makes their lives seem perfect on their blog...

I guess I can understand where they are coming from, I hate it when people are just so... 

Look at ME, MY life is SO wonderful and I am so skinny in my hot bikini after have children that did nothing to my everlasting teenage body. Oh, and my kids are just SO well behaved and in case you couldn't tell my husband makes so much money I don't know what to do with it other then shop till my arms hurt from carrying all my bags (hence the rocking bikini bod).

Translation: I am just insecure sometimes because honestly, no ones life is really like that.

There are a lot of women who blog and I respect them and admire them. But sometimes it does seem hard to read all the wonderfulness in some peoples seemingly perfect lives. I think because we tend to compare, what others have can make us feel threatened or inferior so therefore, you feel nothing but negativity towards them.

So this is Kylie confessing about my far from perfect life. Because this blog is about journaling and I don't want my kids to really think it was all just so easy.

So let my start by saying, I would be lying if I didn't say that I feel cultural pressure, as much as the rest of you, to live up to the ideals we set that are FAR above our physical, mental, and spiritual abilities.

It's the pressure I feel about EVERYTHING, and maybe I am alone in this, to be thinner then ever after having a baby and be a rockin trophy wife for my husband (he in no way makes me feel this way PS, it's me being a dumb woman). 

It's the fact that sometimes we want what our parents have and more and we think we gotta have it now... The house, the cars, and the world traveling. All of it should be easy to obtain with little work. 

It's the pressure I feel as a mom, to read every know how book out there on this planet and have Irey on a perfect balanced diet, on a perfect schedule, while having perfect discipline habits because if your a good parent your two year old will NOT throw temper tantrums while at the grocery store (I wish that was even kinda true).
The pressure to be the perfect latter day saint who is always on top of scripture study, family and personal prayers, visiting teaching, bread making, food storage, and showing up to 9 am church, early, with your glorious looking family sitting reverently reading church hymns (ok not really so much the hymns part) 

I guess I might as well add the fact that I for sure feel the pressure of  wearing the latest and greatest that is of the highest quality and has expensive written all over it! If it's fake or cheap... you are fake and cheap.

For me, the reality is...

Mostly I am the frumpy house wife type, who drinks Diet Pepsi all day (seriously, what's water? SO unhealthy). I am lucky to work in a shower and my goal is just to look somewhat pleasant when Brandon gets home and NOT smell like B.O. (I wish I was even kinda lying)

If you haven't figure this out already from simply reading my blog... I am a terrible speller. Even spell check sometimes cannot help me. I look forward to the day my kids are in school so maybe while I am helping with homework, I can learn a thing or to.

The fact is, loosing weight isn't a easy task for me! Not that I am complaining because I feel blessed to have a man that is crazy about me when I was a size 10 to a size 2, he really could care less! But I do this tug-a-war where I go up up up and then I can come down after eating perfect while attempting to run and work out. But another reality is, I can only do that for so long before I feel like my time could be better spent with Irey then at the gym. And sometimes I really just want a cheeseburger... make it a double... with some bacon!

In all truth, we try very hard to at least say prayers with Irey every night but it almost always ends with Brandon and I holding back laughter because Irey's prayers are always SO original (I think Heavenly Father likes hers the best anyways). It also seems, the harder I try to be on time to church the later I get there. I haven't figured that one out yet but regrettably I think I would be late if church was at 1pm too because lets face it... I am just not as punctual as I would like to be! Bless my heart...

Sad but true, I don't have endless funds to buy the cutest clothes. If I buy it, it was because it was REALLY cheap and it didn't make me feel guilty. I guess I am not willing to swipe a credit card to look like I have money because reality is, I don't have THAT kind of money and any extra money we do have goes to savings to buy a house... Lame, I feel like I am 52 instead of 22, but a girls got dreams!

The reality of a house... the only ones really in our price range are short sales, which take forever. And to even get a loan we have to put a minimum of 10% down (thank you econemy for being so awesome... not) which is why we save the extra money and which is why, in part, I am LIVING IN MY PARENTS BASEMENT. Could I be any cooler? Oh, just wait...

In all honesty, My life is far from perfect, so just in case you were delusional and thought it was even close... take a closer look. I have a GREAT life, don't get me wrong. I have the love of a good man who stands by me through more then he should have to, but does it anyways because he just loves me like that. I have a beautiful little girl who makes my life worth while and keeps me laughing in between making me go insane.

I have so much to be thankful for, but to think I am perfect... no that's not me. If I didn't have Brandon I think I would be doomed to be suffering in silence with anxiety and depression. He gave me the courage I needed to seek out help and get to the bottom of everything. He is the opposite of ADD and I am the definition of it. I can't keep the days of the week strait sometimes and forget completely what I am talking about in the middle of my sentence just to name a few but I am so glad he takes a deep breath and works through things with me even when my Adderall isn't quite cutting it that day. I am not ashamed that I struggle with these things, I have just never had a reason to mention them before, but you can add that to the list of my life's realities.

The thing is, I am not trying to be perfect, or at least not anymore. I feel the pressure still, yes absolutely, but for me it's just a different perspective now. I don't need to be flawless I just need to be complete, to be whole. I want to be someone who knows what's really important and keeps that in perspective. If I didn't have Brandon and Irey, what would I really have?

I don't know why this tangent felt so important to get out. Maybe because it's 3am and I can't sleep. Let's face it... I shouldn't have access to these types of things at 3 am when my mind wanders. Or maybe it's for those who don't really know me and look at my blog... now you can feel like you know me a little better. I have never been one that wanted to make people see anything else other then the real me. 

So if you are ever reading my blog and you want to pin me up as someone who tries to show themselves as perfect, you got the wrong idea. I live in my reality every moment of everyday, some of it good and some of it bad. But my blog is where I remember the moments most precious to me and so when my depression is getting overwhelming, I can look at my blog and remember I have a good life and to keep my chin up. Although, it never hurts once and a while to say... YUP, that's me, I am a nerd. Hopefully I can look back one day and laugh at myself and just be glad I had ALL the moments to get me to where I am going.