With Out You..

Today has been one of those days where I find myself in deep thought. I keep thinking about my life and events and people in it. I have a great job where I get to talk to people and often times, for who knows why, people feel very comfortable to open up to there stylist. I have had a couple clients lately that have told me there stories of death of a close loved one in there family. Of course it makes me think of my little family.

I am forever changed because of Brandon and Irelyn. I identify myself as Brandon's wife and Irelyn's mom, with out them I would have no identity. So to even think of loosing one of them would be loosing the largest part of me, it would be as if I died with them.

I am so far from having the perfect life with the perfect family. I am not going to pretend that Brandon and I have a perfect marriage with a perfect daughter. Brandon and I fight, we disagree, and there are days when I down right don't like him much and he does not want to be my best bud either. But oh goodness, I love that man. And there is no question that he loves me. I think of my life if I were to loose him. What would my everyday life be like? Well for one, everything would remind me of him. Every day tasks would become a emotional melt down in the thought of him not being there. I would be rendered helpless because I gave up my independence and settled for the woman in distress when I got married. Brandon does everything for me that I can't do. He feels in the gaps where I lack. Sure you could eventually move on and learn to be a normal person again, but I promise, there is not a man that walks this earth that is as perfect for me as Brandon, he is the half that makes me whole. So with out him, the sun would still rise, it just wouldn't shine as bright.

Irelyn, she is the reason I was born. She is my calling in life, I was meant to be a mother, her mommy. I read A Daily Scoop all the time. When she writes how she misses her daughter and the small things she misses like her ears, I think of all the things I too would miss about my baby. I am relieved to get a break at night when it is bed time but as the night goes on I am always anticipating morning when I go to get her out of her crib and see her BIG gummy smile. There is nothing I don't love about this girl. I don't mind constantly feeding, burping, changing diapers, feeding, burping, changing diapers over and over again, because in between there are the cute noises and sweet giggles and big moments like rolling over, the little things that make my world go round. Everyone told me how hard it would be to be a mom, they told me all the things I would have to endure, and they gave me a good idea of what was to be expected. But no one could have prepared me for how much I would love her. No one told me that all the stuff wouldn't matter and that she is worth every ache and pain suffered. Life with out Irelyn would be like having a canvas but no paints, pointless and boring.

I am not trying to be gloomy, I don't like to dwell on the idea of loosing my family either. I just wanted to illustrate the fact that sometimes it's important to think of your life with out them because when you do, every moment is appreciated that much more. Every laugh is that much louder and every memory will be that much brighter because I value them so much more. Time is so precious. I cant wait for the day when my family is mine for more then just time. I cant wait to go to the temple and have them for eternity. I cant wait to take on those blessing so even a thing like death is a small matter of a waiting game. I am so grateful for a Savior who makes it possible for someone like me to be so blessed with my family and even make it possible that I can have them forever.